heartache

i guess i don't even know where to begin. God has done so many amazing things since my love has been in the hospital. He's been so good to me, so amazingly good... but my heart hurts so bad. i miss my love. here i am, sitting right beside him as he sleeps and i can't help but ache because i miss him so badly. i miss his voice. i found myself calling his voicemail just so i could hear it again. i miss his warmth and encouragement. i miss his obnoxiousness. i miss our routines. i miss my best friend. so many people think i'm doing so well. i'm not putting up a facade of any kind, but when i'm alone at night at home or here at the hospital, i have to face a pain welling up in me that i can't hold up against. it steals the air from my chest and leaves me crying out to God to strike me down or knock me out. under its weight i want nothing more than to be able to sleep until this is all over.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.