why we do what we do

Living in community is hard. 

Living period is hard. I am not a nice person when I am sick and tired and annoyed and whatever else that can ail me. My go-to defensive action is to destroy and I quite recently have said and done horrible things to those I live with. They've entered the same realm as family in that light. 

Sometimes it seems pointless. Relationships too hard. People too effed up. It would be better to leave, to start somewhere new where I don't have these problems, some of them significant. Most people can't be this difficult or hurt each other so much. Most people can't be so judgmental or annoying or bring out such horrible things in me. Most people have got to be better than this. Well maybe not most people, but at least some people. I just have to find them.

We started this thing here at Oak Park new years of 2012 where we each pick a word for the upcoming year - a kind of defining or hope or purpose. Last year to balance my flitting personality, I chose faithfulness and honestly it worked. Over the past year I have become more solid, had more follow through, and overall have become more reliable. God is kind.

As new years 2013 approached, Lo asked me what I thought my word might be. One near tangible word clearly made itself known: stay. I told her I didn't really know what I meant by it yet, but I guess we'd see. This "staying" thing has been creeping up since last July when I decided I was ready to move on to something else. I talked to folks, I prayed and listened, and suddenly but subtly, things changed. And improbably I felt myself firmly (and strangely happily) facing the other direction, willing even to show some muscle in this staying power to bring others in. Suddenly I knew this thing was worth fighting for.

Since then I've seen a rough pattern. Something comes up - my desire cries out for something different, my heart gets overwhelmed at everything in front of us, or, most recently, people (namely myself) get damn hard to live with - and I know that the healthy thing to do has gotta be to tap out, move on, get some new perspective, leave. Instead there's the repetition of that still small voice. Stay.      Stay.       Stay. 

 Jesus said,

God’s Spirit is on me;
    he’s chosen me to preach the Message of good news to the poor,
Sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and
    recovery of sight to the blind,
To set the burdened and battered free,
    to announce, “This is God’s year to act!”

New life. Reconciliation. Freedom. Peace. After he said this he went and healed everyone who came to him. And then he went and redeemed everything and reconciled everyone to everything good again, to Love himself, by taking everything horrible, bad, divisive, corrosive, corrupted, hateful, malignant, indifferent, and death-filled on himself and turned it to pure Light and Love again. Ultimate restoration: a remaking to what things were always meant to be. 

And then there's this weird thing where he decided that we should choose it. It's there, this improbable truth and strange reality that we currently exist in an a place actively being restored into the light and love of God, but we've got to chose to see it. And strangely enough we can't see it because it just doesn't correlate with malicious, death-filled things in front of our faces and that can come from our beings. So, our only choice if we want to walk into the real reality of restoration and redemption, of love and joy, of fullness, of light, is by trusting. Trusting in the face of what can't possibly be. We can't beat death. Yet we trust him for Life. We can't beat war and famine and pain-stricken poverty. We can't beat the violence of our hands and our minds and our hearts. I can't beat the malicious bitterness and defensiveness that floods me when I think someone violates a God-given right of mine to be adored at all times. I can't beat the odds and pull all of the kids I work with into a realm of continuous safety and love so they'll stop destroying each other with the destruction that was in turn poured into them. I can't beat it. We can't do it. 

But we trust him. And then I see glimpses of the real things. And I stay. And the reality grows, mostly slowly, but sometimes in broad strokes of light. Things get turned upside down. The small things start holding power. Joy seeps in and somehow stays. Forgiveness sets root as an active reality. So does mercy and compassion. I explode in death again, but I realize that the pain I cause and the pain in me are just more opportunities for the real things to show through again. They are bad, but they won't stay that way. Not in him.

So back to community. We've been writing stories in attempt to solidify who we are as a group and why we do what we do. Lo recently wrote something that reminds of the real things and why I stay.

Who We Are - Lauren Heidebrecht

“Shine like stars…” Phil. 2:15

A picture of possibility.
A symbol of what could be.
We are possibility….Stirring the hope of potential.  
Not large and commanding, but tiny, improbable hope.

“The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pound of flour until it worked all through the dough.”  Matthew 13:33

Trusting that our being here is enough (?)  

Called to this new way.  This new being bound together through hearts and minds…

      “This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel

after that time, declares the Lord.

I will put my laws in their minds

and write them on their hearts.

I will be their God,

and they will be my people.”  Hebrews 8:10

Dancing in the freedom of that sweet connection to the Father and to each other.

The simplicity of a calling…Listening, being, moving.
“Here I am Lord…” Isaiah 6

A simple way of being.
Delighting in the small things.
A mysterious knowing that the ordinary day can be holy ground.

               The gate of heaven is everywhere” -Thomas Merton

Discovering crazy joy in the small doings of our day.

While giving rides…We delight in making life easier for another
While scrubbing dishes….We give up ourselves
While picking up around the house…We get to serve our family
While trying a new recipe…We take joy in our ability to create
While tending the garden…We add to the good
While smiling or waving at our neighbors…We get to soften that which separates us

Continually present to the beauty at hand.

Finding joy and ease in the laying down of what is “mine”, to allow for the transformation into what is “ours”.  Taking on this light yolk.  Not being forced, but inspired by the goodness that we have received.  Sensing Christ’s joy as we come together, adding beauty and ease to each other’s lives,

We have the opportunity to become a sign.
Another way is possible.

A people who believe in the last-as-first, upside-down kingdom thinking that Christ revealed:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
   for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
   for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
   for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
   for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
   for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
               Matthew 5:3-10

We are Lovers.  We love, love, love, love, love.
Exploring holy intimacy, purified friendship, becoming like blood….

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.”  1 Peter 1: 22

In goodness and in truth, serving one another to help meet each need.  That each may know that they belong, that they are accepted, that they are not alone.

Though I may not understand your pain, I offer you my hand.  Though you may not connect to my anger, you sit with me in that place, until I am ready to lay down my fight.  Resisting the temptation to distance and separate ourselves from that which we don’t understand.  Striving towards an un-offended heart, in the name of love and service.

It is good to be together.