an apple a day... makes you rather appley

i freaked out today. pseudo panic attack i think. it wasn't really triggered by anything. anything external that is. all the sudden i just couldn't breathe and i didn't know what to do, so i did the only two things that made sense in my head to calm me down: 1. put on a pretty dress and 2. run to the one place i know without a doubt as safe... the bathtub. i know, i know its weird. i think its something about being in a small, enclosed place that calms me down. plus, God and i have the habit of meeting in the shower. good times. as for the dress, i have no idea. sometimes i have no logic to explain myself. BUT it did make me feel a little better.

sooo, i'm in the empty bathtub, fully clothed, freaking out and the one logical thought i have is that i should talk to someone. so i call my gma because she's amazing and i tell her i'm in the bathtub wearing a pretty dress. she asks me why would i be in the bathtub wearing a pretty dress... i tell her i have no idea. and i realize, yet again, that there is a weird disconnect inside of me. its like someone cut a main wire that communicates from my heart to my head to tell me if i am in pain or stressed or whatever. i'm convinced that this severed connection is why i have seizures. i think this means i need a good electrician. buh dum chink.

so maybe my body/heart wigs out because its on overload because my mind has no idea the pressure building up. hence me freaking out, either emotionally like today or physically like my super stylish conniption fits. i was telling my gma all of this when it occurred to me that i used to do this as a defense mechanism when i went through all sorts of hell when i was younger. i would treat all the pain in my life like it was a story that i wasn't actually a part of. i'm guessing that i've internalized that to the point where its a natural response because i don't even know that i do it anymore.

how's that for some introspection.

sigh.

but as i said, my gma is amazing, in part because she's my gma and in part because she's just a rockstar all around. she has this wonderful habit of showering me with truth that i really, really need to hear. and that's exactly what she did. all of it centered around the fact that GOD is in control. what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful truth! not only in the external sense such as He has everything around me under control, but internally as well because He knows perfectly what is going inside of me and how to deal with it. b-e-a-utiful. it lets me breathe again.

that's exactly what i'm doing right now. breathing. i took a break from typing just to do so. friends, it feels wonderful. and do you know why? because with each breath i'm reminded that because God is in control and God is love and because just the fact that God IS....

... i don't have to be worried that i'm just too messed up, because He knows it all better than i do and He loves me through everything.

... i don't have to fear of the future, because He already knows what's going to happen and He has me in His able hands.

... i am free to follow obsessively, compulsively, and completely after Him confident that i will never be turned away.

... i have life and purpose and meaning that cannot be taken away by anyone or any circumstance.

but more than anything else, God being in control just makes me want to stretch out flat on my face, palms up and worship with everything that i am. we have a good, good God friends.