oh river of mine.

i have two interesting facts for you.

a of all: my keyboard has developed the annoying habit of doubling my o's when i type.
b of all: i'm moving. again.

when i took philosophy my favorite ancient greek guy was heraclitus. his schtick was change. one of his more famous lines is you can't step into the same river twice because the waters are ever flowing on to you. its this whole idea that even the similar experiences are never the same because the factors going into them are never the same. its a constant flow of change.

well here i am about to move back to colorado in a few weeks and it feels deceptively like the same river i crossed last august. i don't particularly have the heart energy to go into this in depth. suffice it to say that this will be another incredibly hard move even if it is necessary. leaving those you love deeply isn't fun.

i woke up in the middle of the night to a nameless terror. my first thought was "oh no, not again." i've faced this before and it scared me so much that it caused my chest to hurt my heart beat so hard. but i called out to God and the terror melted and pain rose to take its place. i almost thought that the pain was worse than the terror because the pain brought with it a different kind of fear - a fear that it will never end, that the ache that steals away my voice and breath will have the power to interrupt my attempts at life as long as i have life in me. its not right though. not that i won't have this ache, but that i won't have life. its hard to see the truth of that though when the pain comes on full force.

this is where God is kind: he provides people. how good it is to know that you're not alone; that even if no one else really understands, they'll at least sit besides you through it all; and that weakness and brokenness allows for beautiful, beautiful things to transpire between folk who so desperately need beautiful things in their lives.

what a timid and tumultuous thing this hope of mine is. here's to the next adventure. i'm sure it'll be nice and rewarding and hard as hell :).