on things ugly things.

i'm sick of this.
i'm sick of this weird
ping-pong,
up-down,
oscillating
mess.

i'm sick of this
melodramatic
seizure-inducing
nauseating
wound

and then waking up the next morning feeling wonderful.
like everything is okay.

i'm fully aware that things have gotten
so. much. better.

less seizures.
more closure.
healthy emotions.

but right now, i don't care.

call me childish,
but i want
           what i want
               and i want it now.

i want to have to deal with him again
and all of the ridiculous work that relationships are.

i want to be semi-annoyed because
he just won't stop bugging me.

i want to have to balance school and work
and friends and family and him

and to be a big baby and miss him like mad
if i'm gone a few days.

i want.
i want.
i want.

the Lord is my shepherd.
i shall not want.

dear Father, don't you see?
i don't freaking want things to be normal now.
isn't this sacrilege that i'm fine?
that i can go out
dancing and laughing and singing.

and i know
and i know
and i know he's fine.

more than fine. wonderful.
just asleep. paradise. resurrection.
ready to be finally whole.

these things are so good. so very good.
but God, what do i do now?
9 months, 10 months, a year later
with a new life and a new start
with new friends and a new home
with all of these bright shiny new things
in a bright shiny not as new heart.

(now we're being melodramatic again.)

you're right, i kept saying i just want to live again
but now that this living is starting,
i think the half-life seemed good
because at least he seemed there.

insert here the
big,
long,
egregious
sigh of acceptance.

but who am i to argue
and hold on to such ugly things.
i guess use this mess please.
and remind me why it is so nice to breathe.