don't you see, he's just asleep

so i decided a while back that i would deem every day a good day that started out good. or ended good. or maybe had something good in between starting and ending. considering the probability that something good is bound to happen at some point in the day, good days tend to win out.

today, yesterday, the day before, the one before that too, all good days. horribly good days. sometimes i can see hope and joy ooze from every manner of being. it seems like i can do nothing else than thank God for breath in my lungs. other times i'm trying not to vomit because it is just too much, this whole living thing. its so terribly hard. and so horribly good.

i've starting reading the old testament in the message because the stories make more sense to me then. i've been stuck in lamentations over and over again. its so hard. it aches. its angry. its desperate. it pulls no punches. and it hopes, but what a difficult hope to swallow.

lamentations 3ish

I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,  the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.
 
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.

my God, i realized something a couple of nights ago. i realized that i'm terrified. i don't have the comforts and stability of routine and community here. there's nothing to hide behind and each day has the gaping possibility of ripping my battered heart to shreds. even if one moment is fine, i know nothing about the next. one minute the mountains speak peace. the next, they gouge with their immense, cold beauty. forgive me, my God. trusting you can be so difficult. out of your kindness, show me once again how you hold me.


and my God responds: don't you see child, he's just asleep. just wait, my dear. just wait.