i'm so tired.

Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools. Say not "Why were the former days better than these?" For is is not from wisdom that you ask this.
Ecclesiastes 7:8-10

There's been at least 6 times where I've started to write then had to delete what I was saying. No response seems adequate, and for sure none are what He desires.

I've had seizure episodes every day since I got back to Manhattan. Not a single one has been short. I woke up to tremors this morning. I hadn't even moved yet. I didn't have a single seizure when I was in Colorado. Sure I got tired, but I was with my family, the mountains were breathtaking, and God was so gentle. I don't write this to complain. I think its a pretty dead on representation of my heart. In fact, the past two days, my seizures were cause (on the most part) by the pain in my heart.

Jesse stayed with me last night until they finally started calming down. (In case you're wondering, my new found "little" brother is amazing.) He kept telling me to let go. Each time he told me, it hurt worse than before. I am dumbfounded on why I kept trying to hold on to all this pain, but I was terrified. Of what, I'm not certain, but it was like the fear I had when the doctors called and his parents' faces dropped and I was convinced he was dead. (Turns out they were trying to make sure we didn't worry because one of his many surgeries was delayed. That sure worked.)

I know I was going to have an encouraging conclusion. I promise its not all doom and gloom. Our God is... so unbelievably wonderful. (Selah)

Bummer though, my mind just clouded over again and I think I need to lay back down.

much love,
nic