mea culpa

i woke up at 6:30 this morning because of this silly cold. it has a habit of not letting me breathe, so i'm pretty sure that i woke up to asphyxiation. oh the excitement. but on the plus side, i have an abundance of tissues and one of those nasal wash thingies.

but onto other things...

i think i may be brain injured. or at the very least buying into a ridiculous lie.

yesterday tyler was over to "put in" my window air conditioner. i place that in quotes not to insinuate something else, but just to make well known that tyler definitely doesn't know how to do such a thing. he hadn't been over for 5 minutes when i started seizing again. meh, this happens quite frequently now and usually does no more than wound my pride, tick me off, and make me tired.

but here's when things get exciting.

as usual i had to relieve myself at entirely inconvenient times. and as usual when i stepped out of the bathroom i immediately felt worse than when i stepped into it. this time, when i stepped out i clung to the wall and promptly started seizing again. by the time tyler got me down to the floor i was all about the uber-violent shaking. it was so long and so violent that tyler had to call the ambulance.

and do you know what i said during the worst seizures of my life?

"i'm sorry"

i don't know how many times i told tyler that yesterday. at the hospital. when i finally got home and started seizing again. over and over. "i'm sorry"

you know what the weird thing is? more often than not, those have been the words of my heart. "o my Father, mea culpa! mea culpa!"

it's not like confession. it's not like i'm realizing who i am in comparison with the God who is and was and is to come. its whining. seriously, whining. it's forgetting who my God is and who He made me to be as i have been made alive by the blood of the One obliterated death.

no more. i'm tired of that. how can i have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control when i'm consumed by my failure instead of His everything?

silly nicolle. are you not called to Life?