spurning eve

i just drove back from lacygne tonight. i had another really wonderful time with brock and it was even better because his little sister was there and i've missed her terribly. the best part of the night was laying my head on his chest and listening to him breathe while he slept. when i closed my eyes, it almost felt like things were normal again and that death wasn't looming over our heads.

the drive back, however, was not wonderful. sobbing is not conducive with driving, so i spent a good chunk of time on the side of the road unleashing and pleading to God. when i started driving again i realized with startling clarity that i was extremely angry and it wasn't at God.

it was at eve.

God creates this perfect world. no pain. no death. just Him and creation enjoying one another. then eve goes and effs everything up. not that i don't blame adam too, but for some reason this anger is particularly directed at the mother of us all. freaking eve.

i'm well aware that i want someone to blame for death. i'm also well aware that blame and anger doesn't help. but when i think of all the pain seeping acidically through my veins and all the pain that is equally if not more agonizing in the hearts of his family... and that this is just one man dying, that there are entire peoples that are ripped and ravaged and mutilated by the incomprehensible force of death because of war, because of famine, because of crime, because of cancer, because of whatever idiotic, pain-inducing wrong there is... everything just boils up inside of me and i just want to give eve the bird. and then maybe kick her in the knee caps. freaking eve. thanks.

but here's the kicker: would i choose any better? since i'm born into this wretched state of sin, how can i possibly have any insight to how i would act in perfection? argh. as it is, a good chunk of me wants to keep my right fist clenched with middle finger poised for action, but tell me what hope is in that?

no, no i don't take any joy or solace in spurning eve. i think if anything this rage should be turned against the blight of evil itself. after all, does our Father not burn with anger against all that is wrong with this place? but then am i my Father that i can see clearly enough to truly hate what is evil from a perspective that is honest and untainted? am i not trapped within the confines of my evil slathered mind? not that i discount the redemption through my King and not that i deny that i am my Father's and my Father is good so His goodness is in me... with all that i am i know these to be true, but i am not done. i am not complete. i groan for the completion of restoration just as the entire world groans, but would i have to groan if it weren't for my cursed mother? true it satan that was instigator, but as far as i can discern his falleness did not effect the state of my world until eve took that jump to throw away her trust in all that is good and wonderful and right just to taste that which she had not tasted before. now because of that fateful bite we still have the stench of death lingering in our mouths.

sigh.

to poorly misquote augustine: do my questions cause You to smile and bid me to trust in You and the things You've already shown me?

praise God that He is God and i am not. praise Him that for all the pain and anger i have, that all of humanity has, it is drowned in the depth of arms of Love Himself.

my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ps 73:26