oh my love, i miss you more than i know how to say. everything has been so crazy. i guess God is reminding me yet again that i am definitely not in control.
i miss your voice. remember when i was on the final leg of my trip in turkey and i was able to call you for a few moments from istanbul? we were both so overcome that i don't think we said anything at all of value, but stumbled and stalled over our words. i was so happy afterward that i'm positive i glowed.
or remember that time i met you up at the racetrack? you walked at least 2 miles to get to my truck because you wanted to see me so badly that you wouldn't wait for me to come to you through the horrible traffic, but i was a big idiot and couldn't read your excitement because you hid it well. it had been so long since i had seen you and i thought you would sweep me off my feet. instead you hopped in my truck and i scooted over to the passenger side. it was miles down the road before you realized i was crying. you pulled over into a parking lot, got out, came around the passenger side and picked up and held me. that was the day you told me you would never let me run away from our problems.
you never did let me run away and i usually kicked you in the teeth for it. how did you love me like you did?
a woman came up to me after i spoke at the funeral and told me that you caught quite a girl. i told her that i never gave you a choice. i was so mad when i found out a month or two after i met you that you had a girlfriend. lucky for me she dumped you on your birthday... i mean, poor kiddo? but you really didn't have a chance. after all, you found out through caleb you were dating me and i was the one who accidently said "i love you" on the phone before freaking out and hanging up on you. if only i could have found that ring in time then maybe i could have completed the cycle and forced a proposal out of you too.
i don't think i ever told you, but i was mortified that day before we were dating that you showed up at my house in lawrence under the pretense of getting your music from me. i was sick and a mess, practically coughing up my lungs. you looked at me like i was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen despite sweatpants, no makeup, and a frizzy mane of hair. even after years of dating, you always seem captivated with me, like you couldn't believe my beauty was true.
oh love, what i really miss is my best friend. you were always so friggin' obnoxious. how many times in the course of our relationship did you almost knock me out? it had to be 4 or 5 times. and once with a broom. really? how about that time we went out in that muddy field behind your grandma's on your ancient motorcycle. you spun out, we crashed, and i ended up on my back in the mud with the motorcycle on top of me. i swear you turned into the incredible hulk when you threw the bike off of me. then again, it was a little 200, so i guess it couldn't have weighed that much :).
i realized that most of my friends felt like they knew you not because they actually did, but because i constantly was telling stories about you, about us. i'm beginning to run out of stories, love. i don't really know what to do now that we can't make anymore. so now, when the pain swells up and begins to swallow me, instead of rambling about you, the only words that i can muster are "i miss my love."
i miss my love. oh God, i miss you love.
there's so many things i don't know, so many things i wish i could ask you. did you know me at the end? were you scared when you took your last breath? did He immediately come and wrap you in His arms?
i'm so sorry i couldn't be there for so long in the middle of your fight. dear Father, i hope you never thought i abandoned you. i told you once a long time ago that i wouldn't know what i would do if you died before me. you told me you did. you said i'd be fine. maybe you knew the heart of our Father more, because some how you were right. you're gone, you died, and i am miraculously fine. i feel like i should justify that, but i know you know what i mean.
He was really kind to me, love. at your funeral He gave a glimpse into what you have now. that's why i didn't cry that day. it was because i was so overcome with everything that you're now immersed in. i don't have to explain it to you because while i got a glimpse, you're drinking it in for all of eternity. don't get a big head though just because you got there first. when He calls me home, i'll get it too :). God willing, that won't be for some time, so i expect that you use this time to prepare one heck of a tour for me.
my love is, and will always be, yours.
love,
your colle
No comments:
Post a Comment