brock

just an fyi: brock is heading to mayo clinic up in minnesota on tuesday to get a second opinion. the tumor has grown. it's now on both sides of the brain. yeah, i know, bigger than a baseball... it is just something i don't have the capability of grasping. i want to see the mri, but i haven't been in a position to talk to the doctors since he left the hospital.

the doctors at ku med say that they don't have anything else they can do for him, but if the docs up at mayo clinic find something those at ku med are willing to try it. that seems like bittersweet news to me, but at least it has a semi-positive ring to it.

i move to colorado the second week in august. i'll be living with my dad. it seems like a strange time to leave, especially to be so far away. but on the plus side, my dad said that if anything were to happen he'd fly me back immediately, and it isn't as if i'm close to brock now. if anything, i'm blatantly aware that i am in no way in control and that worry doesn't serve any good purpose. what can i do but unclench my hands and let go?

i still think my love will be healed. i'm finally coming to terms that if i've misinterpreted the heart of God on this issue that it will not be something to make me bitter or shake my love for Love Himself. but as it is, i will continue to pray and expect healing in a dramatic way until my God speaks differently. and if that is the case and Brock dies, it doesn't change the fact that God is good. it doesn't speak differently of God's love. it doesn't mean that my faith or the faiths of the immense amount of people praying for him were just too weak. i trust my God, though i know i still waiver. i trust that He isn't cruel. i trust that He can and does use everything for good of those who love Him.

i'm torn. i have a fear that this comes across as something religious, that you'll miss the point. i don't know if i write more for you or me, but with everything that i am i know that my God is good. that this is good. i've run from God. i've turned into myself and drank only my pain. i've seen myself run dry from His love because of my own anger and bitterness. i have not, by any stretch of the imagination, experienced the worst of the worst. yes, my love's brain cancer is terrible. yes, the reaction that my body has taken has been hard. yes, there have been painful additions that dig the knife in deeper, but i have so much! and none of it is from me... i don't even understand how good God has been. i don't know why He blesses me so freaking much, but He does! and He loves! my God, He loves... oh God, He loves.

i've grown into a new view of death through this. death really is laughable. i mean really laughable. really, death, where is your sting? the moment that air stops moving in my lungs, that my heart stops beating, that my brain is gone, i finally stop groaning and aching for the completion of my God in me. its then, then i get to be swallowed up in life, that i will forever sit at the feet of Christ Himself. and that's what brock gets too. healing now or in death, both are victories. both are good.

peace