i've stopped saying i can't do this anymore, because i know i can. this won't be the death of me. and death itself has no hold. for the first time in my life, i realize that i am invincible in this bloodied-heart state of mine.
sometimes i go semi-catatonic. i run away from everything, if not physically than at least in my mind. i don't let people in and i don't try to listen to God. i just try to breathe. sometimes that doesn't even work.
but its foolishness. not that i have pain and overwhelming amounts of it, but that i try to tame it and numb it while simultaneously building it up to be the end of all things. the world is much bigger than me and my heart. it does not cease when i want it to. for good reason.
four things i've learned... not mastered but yearning for:
1. worship is the balm of the soul. it doesn't matter if you feel it. it doesn't matter if you want it. it doesn't matter if its an emotional experience. do it and keep doing it. it brings you back to the heart of God, to Light, Life, and Love Himself.
2. Truth is the only means of life and it needs to be constantly poured in. the bible is not just interesting. it is the anchor, foundation, whatever the heck you want to call it. there is a very good reason why God decided to give a written word as the main communication in of all the ways He speaks.
3. an honest and untamed outpouring of pain is not and should not be offensive in the least. few things show the heart of God more and love seems to ring clearest with an unbridled admission of weakness.
4. in dying we really do live. we do have the ability to love every person in every circumstance despite every pain and atrocity. we are not bound by hurt and we should not deny it, but love through it.
i am more than a conqueror through Christ who loves me
i'm going to sleep without fear.
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